Fear is the exact opposite of love. Fear is a feeling of helplessness, or more exactly, of not being in control when something terrible could happen. We cannot grow in life without feeling fear, by pushing our limits or going through new and sometimes terrifying experiences. For being aware of that, I am grateful.

Now at midlife, I realize I have always lived in/with fear. This emotion is expert at remaining hidden from our awareness, in the way we make choices, express ourselves and meet with the world. What in reality is fear may camouflage and may well be interpreted as part of our legitimate personality, character trait.

Years of conditioning in our family of origin, life experiences, wanting to make our way in the world hence pleasing or aligning with preconceived ideas of “how we should be” to “make the cut” all contribute to cultivate states of fear in our younger years.

I have lived most of my life in a state of high anxiety. My upbringing has left physical “scars” on my nervous system, that, in spite of taking full responsibility for myself and my happiness, I had to learn to manage and control if some peace was to be attained in this life. I was never at peace at home, not a moment of quiet respite, always guilty of something. I wanted to disappear in the floor, melting like cartoon characters do, or instantly transforming into flea and getting into a wood hole on the varnished floor, prisoner of my own body. With eyes wide open in the middle of fearful situations, I would crawl in the foetal position, not knowing where to go, telling myself that leaving and living in the street would not be better nor a solution, only different miseries ahead.

I have started to really enjoy life in my early forties. Lifelong learning, yoga, spirituality authenticity, truth, love from my husband, and the realization that there are so many talented and loving people in the world have contributed to my “re-birth”. Mostly, the consciousness that we are all “part of God” and that choice is our legitimate right was really helpful. I do not have anybody to answer to, except my Self.

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